My Son is Failing at Life

As a parent, it’s understandable that you may want to protect your teen from the negative consequences of his decisions and behaviors. But if it gets to the point where you’re wondering what to do with a child who is failing at school and at keeping his life on track, you may need to reevaluate your situation and the situation of your teen. Your teen may have found himself feeling so overwhelmed with what he perceives to be failures that he has simply given up trying to do what is expected of him. This may include going to school, helping around the house, taking care of his personal hygiene, and maintaining friendships. He may also start to show violent, aggressive, and other bad behaviors. How can you help your teen get back on the right path? How do you motivate a child who fails or feels like all he does is fail? We’ve got a few tips that may help you and your teen. Setting a good example for your teen One of the best things parents can do for their children is to set the best behavior model. Your children, even once independent and opinionated teens, will look to you for the behaviors they should be modeling. There are a few things that you can do to help your teen learn.

1. Let your teen know the value of communication and support by showing him that you’ll be able to help him without judgment if he opens up and trusts you. With this kind of support, you may find that your teen is more likely to turn to you when he’s in over his head or feeling overwhelmed.
2. Show your teen that failing at one thing doesn’t mean giving up is a good idea. Even when we do our best, sometimes we just can’t see the successes we’re hoping for. Demonstrate to your teen that if things don’t work out, you shouldn’t give up but instead look for another direction that’ll get you to your goals.
3. Finish what you started. Whether it’s finishing your herb garden, your novel, or just following through on things you commit to, your teen will appreciate the guidance.
4. Encourage, praise, listen, and support your teen in the ways he needs. Whether he needs guidance finding resources to address his behaviors or needs help to catch up on his schoolwork.

Should I let my son fail?

It’s natural to want to protect your child from the bad things in life, even if these bad things are the result of his own choices. Certainly, if your child’s life and physical or mental health are at risk, you should intervene as much as you can. Without intervention, there is the potential for these types of situations to escalate for your son. That said, there are some benefits for your teen if you let him experience some of the negative consequences of his behaviors, particularly if he’s making poor choices or doesn’t see that there’s a need to bother anymore.

• If you cover for your teen or help him out of the sticky situations he’s landed himself in, how will he learn to take responsibility for his behaviors? Taking ownership of the consequences of his behaviors and actions will help your teen learn how to be a better-functioning adult.
• The natural consequences of behaviors and decisions will allow your child to feel discomfort in most situations. While you may not want your son to ever feel bad, the truth is that we often learn the most valuable lessons from those feelings of discomfort. For example, if your son refuses to do his homework and gets detention, he’ll be learning a much better lesson than if you were to argue with his teacher so that he doesn’t get detention.
• If your son watches you speak to his teacher to get him out of homework or detention, he’ll learn that all he needs to do is demand changes and possibly even threaten, bully, or manipulate in order to get what he wants. This is not a good lesson for anyone to learn.
• Failure is a part of life for most of us. It can serve as a lesson and help us figure out the right path forward. If your son gets a failing grade or fails a class and needs to catch up in summer school, these are opportunities to learn and improve. 
•  Failure can help to build valuable problem-solving skills that will serve your teen well throughout his life. If he learns that there’s always an easy way out, then he’ll find it much harder to find the better solution.

It isn’t going to be the fun way out of the situation, but allowing your teen to learn how to step up, own his mistakes, and find a path forward will be a valuable lesson for you both.

Stepping in with boundaries and restrictions

Allowing your son to feel the discomfort of not getting his way or needing to face up to the consequences of his actions and behaviors can help put him on the right path. Another option to consider is to look at your current boundaries and restrictions within your home and family. Does your son have a chore list? Does he stick to it? Does he have a curfew? Does he have limits on his screen time? Your teen is much more likely to take you seriously if he feels the consequences of his actions and behaviors at home. If he isn’t keeping up with his schoolwork, he needs to feel the consequences. If he isn’t doing his chores, is displaying aggressive or poor attitudes, is bullying his siblings, or is not keeping his curfew, then he needs to feel those consequences at home. Sit down with everyone in the family and set clear expectations so that there are no grey areas that your teen can use to argue with you. It’s not going to be easy, but the results will be worth it. Get your son additional help with therapy and perhaps peer support groups. Despite any bravado, he may be showing, your teen likely feels alone with his struggles. If he can feel more support, he may be more likely to look to alter his behaviors. Outpatient therapy is a good option for most. In some cases, a residential treatment center is the better option, with focused treatments that can help teens find their way back to the right path. Reach out to Liahona Academy to learn more about our programs and how we can support teens struggling with direction and a sense of failure.